Sacrifice

This one will probably be short. And in short, it is more a confession. There are certain things that we all love to hold on to. Things that we relish being in control over. Things that hinder us from obedience to the Lord. I wasn't really sure that sacrifice was the word that came between "daughter" and where I am now, but looking back, I see that sacrifice is the first step to purging and refining our lives to become more like Christ.

The things that I found were hardest to sacrifice were my time and my words. I spend a lot of my time by myself. Which I justify by saying that I am an introvert, which is extremely true; but in the end is just that, a justification. I like controlling my time because I means that I decide what is beneficial to me and what is too much effort. Being thrust into a position of leadership that I daily feel inadequate to carry out has really taught me that in order to speak truth into someone you have to know them. Which takes time and effort. See how that came back around? So suffice it to say that my time is something I have had to and daily relinquish to the will of the Lord.

Which brings us to the other thing I really pride myself on, and that is words. Maybe it's because I'm an English major, and maybe it is because people have always told me that one of my spiritual gifts is encouragement. Be that as it may, I always rely on the words I can come up with to say to speak truth into people rather than listening for the Holy Spirit to give me the words of the Lord to speak into others. What a selfish thing to do. And how often to I cut God off or rob others of hearing His truths because I think I know better? It absolutely shames me.

I realize that this is more of a monologue than anything, but just so it's out there. Things that take the most time and effort and at some points seem futile are sometimes the ones that are most fruitful. My prayer has been than any time I spend that it be equitable for His kingdom, and any words I say may be His. I don't think I realized what I was praying when I asked for that because now I'm constantly convicted of spending time idly watching Lost on Netflix or just saying words to say them.

A sacrifice of my time and my words for His. For purging my numerous impurities in the fire of redemption.

Daughter

I'm really bad at "journaling." I don't know why, I just am. I like to write down things I learn and small prayers, but I'm not really good at keeping track of what is REALLY going on. 

So the purpose of this is to help me filter what I'm learning into a word. A single word. As you can see, this one is "Daughter." The reason for this is that it is what I like to say is my identity. We all have one, and maybe you haven't found it yet, maybe you don't know how to. Maybe this sounds really elementary. But you have one. And what I've found is that your identity is not merely a word that you choose that describes who you are to Christ, or who Christ is to you. It is your story. Identity isn't something you pick up the Bible and point at a word in the glossary to find. It is something you experience. 

This experience for me came on August 22, 2012. My story, however starts a few years ago when my Dad lost his job and it sent my family through a whirlwind of hurt, anxiety and brokenness. But all you need to know, at least right now, is that I put a lot of stock in who my Dad was, where he worked, how we lived etc. And when that was taken away I felt betrayed. I got to a point where I didn't even know who my Dad really was and I struggled with forgiveness for a long time before I was able to say that if I could talk to him there wouldn't be any bitterness or malice (Ephesians 4:31-32). Enter Jesus. I've known Him since I was young, and I believe that that point in time was when I received salvation by faith through grace and the Holy Spirit came into my life (Ephesians 2:8-9, 1:13). However, we are also moved from one degree of glory to the next, and that can only happen through refinement (2 Corinthians 3:18, Job 5:17, Malachi 3:3).

SO. On August 22, with no correlation to the sermon that was given, though it was wonderful, I "heard" the Spirit speak to me for the first time. Ever. For real. How I know that this was the Holy Spirit speaking over me was that for the next seven days this word was in nearly every conversation that I had with anybody. Daughter, He said to me. You are a precious daughter of a Father who will never let you down, never hurt you, always protect and provide for you. The funny thing about finding your identity is that you can look back and see where it was in your story all along. Daughter. He provided when we were struggling with financial stability. Daughter. He gave you peace when your world was turned upside down. Daughter. He was the only one I could turn to without fear of rejection. Daughter. "and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him. For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us" (Romans 8:17-18). 

With that being said. I'm going to chronicle the words that have been processed before and since this time and then continue to do so as my story unfolds in glorious redemption for my good and His glory.