Obedience

I haven't done this in a while....

Same premise as before. What, in a word, am I learning from the Lord?

Obedience.

Whether it be day to day or following the call to go somewhere or do something. Obedience is something we as Christians are called to be a part of. There are a lot of questions that this sparks in my mind. How do we even know what the Lord is calling us to do? Why do we obey Him? Why don't we obey Him? What if it is hard? All of these things are valid and very real concerns that plaque my ever wandering mind daily. As far as knowing what to do, well that just comes with spiritual growth. Knowing you have the Holy Spirit as part of your heart (John 14:15-17, 26, 16:12-15, Acts 1:8, Isaiah 11:2 etc).Learning to hear these things is a discipline that is learned by knowing what God says in His word and spending time asking Him to reveal His voice to you and then being quiet. It's the hardest part of living in this society. Being quiet. No technology, no thoughts of what you have to do today. Just you and the Lord in quiet communion. And then just as the Psalm says, it's that still small voice. The faint inkling of something, someone you knew was there and were trying to reach out to yet seemed to fall short. Jesus reaching down and providing council through His Spirit. A Spirit that breathes identity into us as sons and daughters, a Spirit that sometimes lets us know there is something we must do to obey the words of our Father. And when these words come they will not be contrary to His word. They will be painted across his Word and through His story.

So why do we obey? Go read Romans. Yeah, just about all of it. Especially chapters 6-8. Read those twice. For a while I struggled with the term "slave of righteousness." I think particularly in 21st century America it is a term that seems oppressive (because humans owning humans kind of IS). But isn't being a slave to righteousness better than being a slave to sin? Well, I mean, being a slave to sin sure sounds a lot easier. You just go on doing what you're doing with no apparent consequences until you reach eternity. But why use the word SLAVE? I think it is because we are servants of the Most High King and He is anything but oppressive. His desire for us is to live and live abundantly (John 10:10).  His desire for us is to delight in His holy work for the redemption of the world. Who wouldn't want to be a part of that?! Nobody! Until He tells you that you may have to do something hard. Then, even though you know what you have to do you pray about it. That doesn't even make sense. Pray about it?! He already told you what to do! He isn't going to change His mind! Well I need to pray about it. Don't pray about whether or not you should do it. Pray that He would give you the faith to step out blindly. Pray that He would surround you with a community that sees where He is leading you and can help you get there.

All these things to say that obedience can be hard. Leaving a community that is grounded and vulnerable and aware of the scars of your past and witnessed the healing take place and then commissioned you to be a wounded healer to be a part of a community (while super great) but knows nothing about your story is HARD. The feeling of having to start over. The fear that comes with sharing your story again and again.

It's hard.

But we press on towards the goal for the prize of the upward call of Christ.
Let us lay aside every hindrance so we may run with endurance the race set before us, fixing our eyes upon Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross.

Obey. No matter how hard. Obey. And He will guide you. Obey. And one day you will turn around to see all of those steps of faith made a path to where He needed you to be.

Obey.

Celebration

Celebration makes me want to sing. In fact, it makes me want to sing THIS song.

not exactly Biblical, but it's fun. 

I know this may be a weird word to associate with trials, but it works if you think about it. This word was first spoken over me in October. The words I wrote were " He is here. He has redeemed us. Celebrate. Share." That's about all you need, isn't it? What more do we need to shout and proclaim His name? He is here with us. Emmanuel is all year long!

We celebrate that He has redeemed us from our sins and depravity into His wonderful kingdom of glory and riches as heirs through Christ Jesus (Romans 8:17). 

We celebrate that He has been, is now and will be faithful for all eternity (2 Timothy 2:13). 

We celebrate that He considers us as strong enough to take on trials (Job 1:8). 

And in response to this celebration we are called to share. I suppose this word, celebration, could also be considered joy. And we "consider it joy, brothers, when we face trials of various kinds. Knowing that the testing of our faith produces endurance" (James 1:2-3). And in turn we are able to "run with endurance the race that has been set out before us" (Hebrews 12:10. As the trainer of a half marathon, I can tell you that running with endurance is not always the easiest thing in the world. Sometimes it just downright sucks. But the end result is always the same. 

Celebration.

Joy.

A sense of accomplishment that could only be found in completion. He has completed it. He ripped the veil that separated us from His Father. He WAS the veil that was torn. We HAVE been redeemed. We ARE His heirs with Christ Jesus.

It is finished.

Celebrate.

Steadfast

This is a word I didn't think I would come to so quickly, especially considering that I have been going through a season of learning who I am in Christ and what it looks like to walk in obedience. And here's a little tid bit about me. When I start learning I never want to stop. I want to soak in all the knowledge. That's the nerd talking.

But that isn't how God designed us to walk in community, is it? Nope. It is a balance of soaking up knowledge and then pouring it out. So, upon reflection it makes a lot of sense. Before this long trial I wasn't really in a learning relationship with Christ. I was floating along as the girl who had the great family and with her future wrapped in shiny paper with a pretty bow on top. Sounds nice, right? It was, but I was completely unaware of how jealously Christ was trying to get my attention...but that is for another day.

Steadfast....where do I even begin. Psalm 57:7" My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast; I will sing, yes, I will sing praises!" Psalm 119:5 "Oh that my ways may be established to keep Your statutes!" 2 Thessalonians 3:5" May the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God and into the steadfastness of Christ." I think that's a pretty good beginning. The Lord is always with us. When He is teaching us continually and when it feels like He is silent. I think the silence of His voice gives us opportunities to find His love in different places. After all "His mercies are new every morning" (Lamentations 3:22-23). When He isn't speaking to me as loudly or clearly I begin to see Him in the fall trees, a cloudless night lit with thousands of stars, the joy of being with friends, the rest of cooking...get it?

This steadfastness, of course, is a two way street. Except for the fact that one way is never failing and constant and the other is totally ADD and fails all the time. However....the case still stands. It is against our nature as humans in this culture to remain steadfast when something isn't giving us the results we want. We need instant gratification. And PRAISE THE LORD ON HIGH that He is not a God of instant gratification. For me, this steadfastness required on my part to stay in His word and go to Him in prayer even when I get nothing in return is a trial. A trial of how much work I was willing to put into this relationship. The answer: a lot. I crave communion with my Father. I need it to get through the day. And even if I am not learning, I am with Him.

 I think of Paul when I think of steadfast. Go through the New Testament books that He is written and count how many of them start out with "Hey guys, I'm in jail and decided to check up on you and encourage you...." It is a lot, I can tell you that. How in the world could Paul, in jail, remain so closely knit to those he had sought out? I think Paul is a beautiful picture of the Lord's steadfast nature. He seeks us out. Sometimes Paul had to rebuke a church that had fallen away from the statutes of the Lord. Sometimes he encouraged them to keep up the good work. Sometimes he challenged them. Sound familiar?

He is constant even when we falter. Praise the Lord.

Provision

This, like daughter, is a word that is written all across my story. It is the first word that my mother and I prayed after my Dad first lost his job. Lord, provide. The first verse that we wrote down and plastered to our mirrors and minds was Phillipians 4:19 "And my God will supply all of my needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." I know it sees pretty simple, but when it hits you that His glory and riches are infinite and that he wants to freely bestow and lavish us with love and provision it isn't as hard to lay down your pride and ask for a little help when you feel like you're scraping the bottom of the barrel just to come up with what you need.

 Notice that is says He will supply what you NEED. Let that sink in. Maybe it will dawn on you a little sooner than it did me that want and need aren't really synonymous. There are times I remember where I didn't know how we were going to buy groceries for the week. There are times I remember crying myself to sleep because I didn't know whether we were going to be able to keep our house. And in those times I didn't feel like God was being a shoulder to cry on,  but just like daughter, in hindsight I see that He was there. He was a shoulder to cry on. He was whispering to me in a still, small voice that I can only hear in remembrance (don't worry, that one is coming) that said "I have it under control. All things work together for your good and my glory. I love you."

Sometimes the Lord has to almost literally smack me across the face with physical provision when I am feeling anxious. This has come in the form of people putting money in our mail box, buying us groceries and the like. What a blessing. What provision. The Lord has provided for me more than money. He has provided me with a trust in His abilities. A realization that when I am anxious it is because I don't think He is bigger than my immediate problems and anxieties. The list could go forever and grow day by day. I never want to lose sight of what He has provided and never lose the trust that He will provide. For a control freak it is really freeing to know that I am not in control of everything. It is freeing to know that I can lay all of my burdens as the feet of a sovereign God that redeems all things.

Don't believe me? Go read Job, and Romans 8, then 2 Corinthians 4, then Psalm 23, then Psalm 124.

Forgiveness

I thought about naming this bitterness. But this part of my journey isn't so much about how I dealt with my bitterness but more about how I learned to overcome it. For me the process of forgiveness was harder to deal with than the bad feelings I was harboring towards the one that hurt me.

This process started when I was hurt by my Father, whom I dearly love, by lying and deception. A couple years later, still hurting, I had prophetic words spoken over me that essentially reminded me that our human nature is not to forgive. Therefore when we are put in a place where we have to do so we are stretched until we don't think we can anymore, and then we go some more. Did that make sense?

 I began to stretch.

Stretching is NOT fun. It hurts. It hurts your heart, your pride and your ability to surrender. Your heart because purging of anger forces you to talk and think about why you are angry to begin with. Pride because a lot of times forgiveness isn't asked for but is still necessary to give. My Father has not asked for my forgiveness, but still he must receive so that my walk with the Lord not be blinded by my inability to attempt to replicate this part of His character. I mentioned surrender because there is no earthly way to forgive some things on your own. You have to allow God to take your anger and throw it into the sea of never ending mercies and grace as He did for us.

All summer I thought I had forgiven my Father even though I was hurting and processing. I thought I had put it behind me and was able to move on. Until I heard a sermon on Ephesians 4:31-32 on October 21. Yeah, I know it took me a while. I'm a little slow on the uptake and weary from running the marathon of emotions that all of these things brought through the summer and beginning of fall.

These verses say "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving each other, just as Christ forgave you."  Let's start off with the face that Paul just lays all the possible ways you could ever not like somebody, or hold ill will towards them and tells you to put it away. Not that easy, right? That's the surrender part. He then goes on to say essentially that being kind, tender hearted and forgiving all flow from the same thing, which is "as Christ forgave you." Forgiveness is what enables us to be compassionate towards those who deserve nothing. Forgiveness takes away the excuse of trying to justify your actions and replaces it with a heart that is more like Christ. So when we make the decision not to forgive somebody it hinders our relationship with God by robbing us of seeing and experiences on of the most beautiful parts of His character.

Forgive as Christ forgave. Be willing to make a sacrifice of pride, just as Christ sacrificed His body. Be willing to forgive even if it was never asked for. Be wiling to confront your actions and attitudes of bitterness head on. It will hurt, but the reward is seeing the heart of Christ. When God forgave us, he forgave a great deal more than what I have to forgive my Father of. But He still did it, willingly and first without my asking for it. He also doesn't bring it back up when I continuously let Him down. He doesn't let my past transgressions get in the way of our current relationship. And that is when it hit me. That I can say I have forgiven Him all I want, but until I put aside ALL ill will and am able to speak to him without the wrench in my stomach or the flutter in my heart, but with love, tenderness and compassion just as Christ forgave me, it is a lie from Satan to prevent me from growing in Christ.

We resist this form of forgiveness because we are so focused on what was done TO us rather than what was done FOR us; which is HIS story, not mine, of glorious redemption through tragedy and hurt. Embrace the tension of human nature and God's character. Embrace the freedom that comes from unshackling yourself from the burden of anger, bitterness, clamor, slander and malice. "Live in freedom, Child of Mine."

Sacrifice

This one will probably be short. And in short, it is more a confession. There are certain things that we all love to hold on to. Things that we relish being in control over. Things that hinder us from obedience to the Lord. I wasn't really sure that sacrifice was the word that came between "daughter" and where I am now, but looking back, I see that sacrifice is the first step to purging and refining our lives to become more like Christ.

The things that I found were hardest to sacrifice were my time and my words. I spend a lot of my time by myself. Which I justify by saying that I am an introvert, which is extremely true; but in the end is just that, a justification. I like controlling my time because I means that I decide what is beneficial to me and what is too much effort. Being thrust into a position of leadership that I daily feel inadequate to carry out has really taught me that in order to speak truth into someone you have to know them. Which takes time and effort. See how that came back around? So suffice it to say that my time is something I have had to and daily relinquish to the will of the Lord.

Which brings us to the other thing I really pride myself on, and that is words. Maybe it's because I'm an English major, and maybe it is because people have always told me that one of my spiritual gifts is encouragement. Be that as it may, I always rely on the words I can come up with to say to speak truth into people rather than listening for the Holy Spirit to give me the words of the Lord to speak into others. What a selfish thing to do. And how often to I cut God off or rob others of hearing His truths because I think I know better? It absolutely shames me.

I realize that this is more of a monologue than anything, but just so it's out there. Things that take the most time and effort and at some points seem futile are sometimes the ones that are most fruitful. My prayer has been than any time I spend that it be equitable for His kingdom, and any words I say may be His. I don't think I realized what I was praying when I asked for that because now I'm constantly convicted of spending time idly watching Lost on Netflix or just saying words to say them.

A sacrifice of my time and my words for His. For purging my numerous impurities in the fire of redemption.

Daughter

I'm really bad at "journaling." I don't know why, I just am. I like to write down things I learn and small prayers, but I'm not really good at keeping track of what is REALLY going on. 

So the purpose of this is to help me filter what I'm learning into a word. A single word. As you can see, this one is "Daughter." The reason for this is that it is what I like to say is my identity. We all have one, and maybe you haven't found it yet, maybe you don't know how to. Maybe this sounds really elementary. But you have one. And what I've found is that your identity is not merely a word that you choose that describes who you are to Christ, or who Christ is to you. It is your story. Identity isn't something you pick up the Bible and point at a word in the glossary to find. It is something you experience. 

This experience for me came on August 22, 2012. My story, however starts a few years ago when my Dad lost his job and it sent my family through a whirlwind of hurt, anxiety and brokenness. But all you need to know, at least right now, is that I put a lot of stock in who my Dad was, where he worked, how we lived etc. And when that was taken away I felt betrayed. I got to a point where I didn't even know who my Dad really was and I struggled with forgiveness for a long time before I was able to say that if I could talk to him there wouldn't be any bitterness or malice (Ephesians 4:31-32). Enter Jesus. I've known Him since I was young, and I believe that that point in time was when I received salvation by faith through grace and the Holy Spirit came into my life (Ephesians 2:8-9, 1:13). However, we are also moved from one degree of glory to the next, and that can only happen through refinement (2 Corinthians 3:18, Job 5:17, Malachi 3:3).

SO. On August 22, with no correlation to the sermon that was given, though it was wonderful, I "heard" the Spirit speak to me for the first time. Ever. For real. How I know that this was the Holy Spirit speaking over me was that for the next seven days this word was in nearly every conversation that I had with anybody. Daughter, He said to me. You are a precious daughter of a Father who will never let you down, never hurt you, always protect and provide for you. The funny thing about finding your identity is that you can look back and see where it was in your story all along. Daughter. He provided when we were struggling with financial stability. Daughter. He gave you peace when your world was turned upside down. Daughter. He was the only one I could turn to without fear of rejection. Daughter. "and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him. For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us" (Romans 8:17-18). 

With that being said. I'm going to chronicle the words that have been processed before and since this time and then continue to do so as my story unfolds in glorious redemption for my good and His glory.