This is a word I didn't think I would come to so quickly, especially considering that I have been going through a season of learning who I am in Christ and what it looks like to walk in obedience. And here's a little tid bit about me. When I start learning I never want to stop. I want to soak in all the knowledge. That's the nerd talking.
But that isn't how God designed us to walk in community, is it? Nope. It is a balance of soaking up knowledge and then pouring it out. So, upon reflection it makes a lot of sense. Before this long trial I wasn't really in a learning relationship with Christ. I was floating along as the girl who had the great family and with her future wrapped in shiny paper with a pretty bow on top. Sounds nice, right? It was, but I was completely unaware of how jealously Christ was trying to get my attention...but that is for another day.
Steadfast....where do I even begin. Psalm 57:7" My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast; I will sing, yes, I will sing praises!" Psalm 119:5 "Oh that my ways may be established to keep Your statutes!" 2 Thessalonians 3:5" May the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God and into the steadfastness of Christ." I think that's a pretty good beginning. The Lord is always with us. When He is teaching us continually and when it feels like He is silent. I think the silence of His voice gives us opportunities to find His love in different places. After all "His mercies are new every morning" (Lamentations 3:22-23). When He isn't speaking to me as loudly or clearly I begin to see Him in the fall trees, a cloudless night lit with thousands of stars, the joy of being with friends, the rest of cooking...get it?
This steadfastness, of course, is a two way street. Except for the fact that one way is never failing and constant and the other is totally ADD and fails all the time. However....the case still stands. It is against our nature as humans in this culture to remain steadfast when something isn't giving us the results we want. We need instant gratification. And PRAISE THE LORD ON HIGH that He is not a God of instant gratification. For me, this steadfastness required on my part to stay in His word and go to Him in prayer even when I get nothing in return is a trial. A trial of how much work I was willing to put into this relationship. The answer: a lot. I crave communion with my Father. I need it to get through the day. And even if I am not learning, I am with Him.
I think of Paul when I think of steadfast. Go through the New Testament books that He is written and count how many of them start out with "Hey guys, I'm in jail and decided to check up on you and encourage you...." It is a lot, I can tell you that. How in the world could Paul, in jail, remain so closely knit to those he had sought out? I think Paul is a beautiful picture of the Lord's steadfast nature. He seeks us out. Sometimes Paul had to rebuke a church that had fallen away from the statutes of the Lord. Sometimes he encouraged them to keep up the good work. Sometimes he challenged them. Sound familiar?
He is constant even when we falter. Praise the Lord.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Provision
This, like daughter, is a word that is written all across my story. It is the first word that my mother and I prayed after my Dad first lost his job. Lord, provide. The first verse that we wrote down and plastered to our mirrors and minds was Phillipians 4:19 "And my God will supply all of my needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." I know it sees pretty simple, but when it hits you that His glory and riches are infinite and that he wants to freely bestow and lavish us with love and provision it isn't as hard to lay down your pride and ask for a little help when you feel like you're scraping the bottom of the barrel just to come up with what you need.
Notice that is says He will supply what you NEED. Let that sink in. Maybe it will dawn on you a little sooner than it did me that want and need aren't really synonymous. There are times I remember where I didn't know how we were going to buy groceries for the week. There are times I remember crying myself to sleep because I didn't know whether we were going to be able to keep our house. And in those times I didn't feel like God was being a shoulder to cry on, but just like daughter, in hindsight I see that He was there. He was a shoulder to cry on. He was whispering to me in a still, small voice that I can only hear in remembrance (don't worry, that one is coming) that said "I have it under control. All things work together for your good and my glory. I love you."
Sometimes the Lord has to almost literally smack me across the face with physical provision when I am feeling anxious. This has come in the form of people putting money in our mail box, buying us groceries and the like. What a blessing. What provision. The Lord has provided for me more than money. He has provided me with a trust in His abilities. A realization that when I am anxious it is because I don't think He is bigger than my immediate problems and anxieties. The list could go forever and grow day by day. I never want to lose sight of what He has provided and never lose the trust that He will provide. For a control freak it is really freeing to know that I am not in control of everything. It is freeing to know that I can lay all of my burdens as the feet of a sovereign God that redeems all things.
Don't believe me? Go read Job, and Romans 8, then 2 Corinthians 4, then Psalm 23, then Psalm 124.
Notice that is says He will supply what you NEED. Let that sink in. Maybe it will dawn on you a little sooner than it did me that want and need aren't really synonymous. There are times I remember where I didn't know how we were going to buy groceries for the week. There are times I remember crying myself to sleep because I didn't know whether we were going to be able to keep our house. And in those times I didn't feel like God was being a shoulder to cry on, but just like daughter, in hindsight I see that He was there. He was a shoulder to cry on. He was whispering to me in a still, small voice that I can only hear in remembrance (don't worry, that one is coming) that said "I have it under control. All things work together for your good and my glory. I love you."
Sometimes the Lord has to almost literally smack me across the face with physical provision when I am feeling anxious. This has come in the form of people putting money in our mail box, buying us groceries and the like. What a blessing. What provision. The Lord has provided for me more than money. He has provided me with a trust in His abilities. A realization that when I am anxious it is because I don't think He is bigger than my immediate problems and anxieties. The list could go forever and grow day by day. I never want to lose sight of what He has provided and never lose the trust that He will provide. For a control freak it is really freeing to know that I am not in control of everything. It is freeing to know that I can lay all of my burdens as the feet of a sovereign God that redeems all things.
Don't believe me? Go read Job, and Romans 8, then 2 Corinthians 4, then Psalm 23, then Psalm 124.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Forgiveness
I thought about naming this bitterness. But this part of my journey isn't so much about how I dealt with my bitterness but more about how I learned to overcome it. For me the process of forgiveness was harder to deal with than the bad feelings I was harboring towards the one that hurt me.
This process started when I was hurt by my Father, whom I dearly love, by lying and deception. A couple years later, still hurting, I had prophetic words spoken over me that essentially reminded me that our human nature is not to forgive. Therefore when we are put in a place where we have to do so we are stretched until we don't think we can anymore, and then we go some more. Did that make sense?
I began to stretch.
Stretching is NOT fun. It hurts. It hurts your heart, your pride and your ability to surrender. Your heart because purging of anger forces you to talk and think about why you are angry to begin with. Pride because a lot of times forgiveness isn't asked for but is still necessary to give. My Father has not asked for my forgiveness, but still he must receive so that my walk with the Lord not be blinded by my inability to attempt to replicate this part of His character. I mentioned surrender because there is no earthly way to forgive some things on your own. You have to allow God to take your anger and throw it into the sea of never ending mercies and grace as He did for us.
All summer I thought I had forgiven my Father even though I was hurting and processing. I thought I had put it behind me and was able to move on. Until I heard a sermon on Ephesians 4:31-32 on October 21. Yeah, I know it took me a while. I'm a little slow on the uptake and weary from running the marathon of emotions that all of these things brought through the summer and beginning of fall.
These verses say "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving each other, just as Christ forgave you." Let's start off with the face that Paul just lays all the possible ways you could ever not like somebody, or hold ill will towards them and tells you to put it away. Not that easy, right? That's the surrender part. He then goes on to say essentially that being kind, tender hearted and forgiving all flow from the same thing, which is "as Christ forgave you." Forgiveness is what enables us to be compassionate towards those who deserve nothing. Forgiveness takes away the excuse of trying to justify your actions and replaces it with a heart that is more like Christ. So when we make the decision not to forgive somebody it hinders our relationship with God by robbing us of seeing and experiences on of the most beautiful parts of His character.
Forgive as Christ forgave. Be willing to make a sacrifice of pride, just as Christ sacrificed His body. Be willing to forgive even if it was never asked for. Be wiling to confront your actions and attitudes of bitterness head on. It will hurt, but the reward is seeing the heart of Christ. When God forgave us, he forgave a great deal more than what I have to forgive my Father of. But He still did it, willingly and first without my asking for it. He also doesn't bring it back up when I continuously let Him down. He doesn't let my past transgressions get in the way of our current relationship. And that is when it hit me. That I can say I have forgiven Him all I want, but until I put aside ALL ill will and am able to speak to him without the wrench in my stomach or the flutter in my heart, but with love, tenderness and compassion just as Christ forgave me, it is a lie from Satan to prevent me from growing in Christ.
We resist this form of forgiveness because we are so focused on what was done TO us rather than what was done FOR us; which is HIS story, not mine, of glorious redemption through tragedy and hurt. Embrace the tension of human nature and God's character. Embrace the freedom that comes from unshackling yourself from the burden of anger, bitterness, clamor, slander and malice. "Live in freedom, Child of Mine."
This process started when I was hurt by my Father, whom I dearly love, by lying and deception. A couple years later, still hurting, I had prophetic words spoken over me that essentially reminded me that our human nature is not to forgive. Therefore when we are put in a place where we have to do so we are stretched until we don't think we can anymore, and then we go some more. Did that make sense?
I began to stretch.
Stretching is NOT fun. It hurts. It hurts your heart, your pride and your ability to surrender. Your heart because purging of anger forces you to talk and think about why you are angry to begin with. Pride because a lot of times forgiveness isn't asked for but is still necessary to give. My Father has not asked for my forgiveness, but still he must receive so that my walk with the Lord not be blinded by my inability to attempt to replicate this part of His character. I mentioned surrender because there is no earthly way to forgive some things on your own. You have to allow God to take your anger and throw it into the sea of never ending mercies and grace as He did for us.
All summer I thought I had forgiven my Father even though I was hurting and processing. I thought I had put it behind me and was able to move on. Until I heard a sermon on Ephesians 4:31-32 on October 21. Yeah, I know it took me a while. I'm a little slow on the uptake and weary from running the marathon of emotions that all of these things brought through the summer and beginning of fall.
These verses say "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving each other, just as Christ forgave you." Let's start off with the face that Paul just lays all the possible ways you could ever not like somebody, or hold ill will towards them and tells you to put it away. Not that easy, right? That's the surrender part. He then goes on to say essentially that being kind, tender hearted and forgiving all flow from the same thing, which is "as Christ forgave you." Forgiveness is what enables us to be compassionate towards those who deserve nothing. Forgiveness takes away the excuse of trying to justify your actions and replaces it with a heart that is more like Christ. So when we make the decision not to forgive somebody it hinders our relationship with God by robbing us of seeing and experiences on of the most beautiful parts of His character.
Forgive as Christ forgave. Be willing to make a sacrifice of pride, just as Christ sacrificed His body. Be willing to forgive even if it was never asked for. Be wiling to confront your actions and attitudes of bitterness head on. It will hurt, but the reward is seeing the heart of Christ. When God forgave us, he forgave a great deal more than what I have to forgive my Father of. But He still did it, willingly and first without my asking for it. He also doesn't bring it back up when I continuously let Him down. He doesn't let my past transgressions get in the way of our current relationship. And that is when it hit me. That I can say I have forgiven Him all I want, but until I put aside ALL ill will and am able to speak to him without the wrench in my stomach or the flutter in my heart, but with love, tenderness and compassion just as Christ forgave me, it is a lie from Satan to prevent me from growing in Christ.
We resist this form of forgiveness because we are so focused on what was done TO us rather than what was done FOR us; which is HIS story, not mine, of glorious redemption through tragedy and hurt. Embrace the tension of human nature and God's character. Embrace the freedom that comes from unshackling yourself from the burden of anger, bitterness, clamor, slander and malice. "Live in freedom, Child of Mine."
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